Truth Hurts
Monday, April 14th, 2008
I almost can’t believe what I said to my friend Miguel this evening.
I basically told him that I felt like he was always wanting something from me, and that I was feeling used by him. I said that I didn’t think he was consciously doing it (to give him the benefit of the doubt) but I wasn’t happy with how things had been going in the past few months. He seemed to take it quite well.
Why did I say this to him? Well it has been festering in me for a while. At first I helped him out and didn’t say anything to him despite my annoyance, then I tried to avoid him (which was hard when he visited me at work if I didn’t answer my phone), then more recently I’ve been giving excuses, but he would try to talk his way around them.
For instance, last Friday after not contacting me for two weeks he calls me, seemingly for a catchup. When I mention that I’m not working this week he says that I can help him to conduct some research. I replied that I didn’t want to commit myself to anything, and I needed a break and wanted to go abroad if at all possible. I suggested that he ask another friend of his, and he informed me that she had told him to ask me (she must think I’m an idiot)! I should have just been frank with him and said that I didn’t want to do it, as he doesn’t take hints.
So what pushed me over the edge this evening? Well he called me to check whether I could do his research, and I said the same as before. He asked me to call him back and I told him (truthfully) that I had no credit left. Then he asked me if my email address was the same as before, and when I confirmed it he said that he wanted to send me something to work on! I just snapped.
I guess the way he acts in the next few weeks will reveal whether our friendship will last much longer. It would be a shame for a ten-year friendship to end, but I can’t tolerate his demands anymore.
6:49 pm on 19-Apr-08
This guy is very obviously taking you for granted, banking on the ‘fact’ that he’s got you just where he wants you and you will be too happy (even grateful!) to resist. Maybe you should put him straight without feeling guilty.
It’s a good thing to do only those things that will bring you pleasure or a sense of accomplishment. When you feel forced or obligated to do things then you do them with a bad spirit, heart and karma.
If this guy was sensitive to your feelings he wouldn’t push you beyond this point. But as long as he gets his way he doesn’t care. But you have control over your own destiny.
Use the force!
12:15 am on 20-Apr-08
Hey BlackMan, thanks for giving me some reassurance about this issue. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a really easy-going person, and I like helping people. Unfortunately this friend of mine took me for a fool and tried to bleed me dry.
I’ve written about him before on here, he has borrowed money from me many times in the past, in addition to the endless favours. I’m not sure if he treats all of his friends in the same way though, a few weeks ago he asked me for money, and said that he’d also borrowed money from another friend but needed more than that friend could give him.
The bottom line is that friendship is supposed to be for the benefit of both people, and increasingly I was feeling used.
8:29 am on 27-Apr-08
I hear you PJ. Maybe you should do a ‘Friend Audit’ and work out how (and why!), exactly, this person is important and meaningful in your life. If you discover afterwards that he is only just a drain on you and your ‘resources’ then you just cut him outof your life completely. End of story.
I guess some people would call this ‘tough love’. But, it’s not love at all: it’s just reality!
6:33 am on 5-May-08
PJ, you’re absolutely right to react the way you did, and to read him the riot act. I was in a similar situation not long ago. I’m also easygoing, and this friend had been trying to manipulate me (which I suspected the first time and confirmed several times after that.) He had to have his own way. When he didn’t he sulked and put on his wounded act. He quoted Oprah for me, something about listening when your friends tell you who they are. He refused to respect my boundaries. He kept blurting out private things about me in inappropriate situations - just to show other people that he was ‘in’ on my business. Plain talk didn’t help; to quote a colleague of his, ‘Sublety is lost on X’.
I stopped taking his calls. I posted something on my blog about reasons for ending a friendship. I think he got the message. We’re not enemies now, but he keeps a wary distance, which suits me just fine. He’s not a bad person, but I refuse at this point in life to allow anyone to manipulate me. If you can’t respect my boundaries, my decisions and my confidences, then I can’t be your friend.
Good on you for putting your foot down.
10:11 pm on 5-May-08
Thanks guys. Hi Liane, I remember reading that post. I glad that you didn’t tolerate his behaviour - sounds like a nightmare friend.