I haven’t blogged much this week, mainly because my head has been a mess. I’m pretty sure that my depression is back, and I’m not sure how to combat it. I’ve been feeling like a dark cloud has descended over me and the feeling of clarity only returns for odd moments each day. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything, I’ve barely been able to focus at work.

I’ve been trying to distract myself, by watching movies, tv-shows, by eating crap, reading - anything to pass the time and keep my hands busy. I should exercise but someone’s always here in the house and I hate doing anything like that when my parents are around. I could go for a walk, but I don’t know where to go. I have no destination.

That’s actually my main problem - a lack of direction and destination. I don’t have any motivation. I just want to sleep.

I started seeing a counsellor last week (after 2 years on the waiting list). Apart from the fact that she looks exactly like someone who I used to work with (and didn’t get on with), we’ve been able to have some interesting conversations about what I’m going through. It’s too bad that I can barely bring myself to look at her.

My mother’s been on at me again this week:
I spend too much time on the computer
I need to go out more
I need a hobby/interests
I need to find a boyfriend
I need to find a new (full-time) job
I need to move out, and they’ll help me to get a place
I need to exercise

I don’t actually disagree with a lot of that, but I don’t think that I need to be told all that stuff like I’m a child. And I hate hearing the words, ‘It’s for your own good.’

‘You’re a nice girl, Penny,’ she said to me. Why can’t that be enough?

Written by PJ | Posted in my life

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