Limbo
Saturday, May 3rd, 2008I haven’t blogged much this week, mainly because my head has been a mess. I’m pretty sure that my depression is back, and I’m not sure how to combat it. I’ve been feeling like a dark cloud has descended over me and the feeling of clarity only returns for odd moments each day. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything, I’ve barely been able to focus at work.
I’ve been trying to distract myself, by watching movies, tv-shows, by eating crap, reading - anything to pass the time and keep my hands busy. I should exercise but someone’s always here in the house and I hate doing anything like that when my parents are around. I could go for a walk, but I don’t know where to go. I have no destination.
That’s actually my main problem - a lack of direction and destination. I don’t have any motivation. I just want to sleep.
I started seeing a counsellor last week (after 2 years on the waiting list). Apart from the fact that she looks exactly like someone who I used to work with (and didn’t get on with), we’ve been able to have some interesting conversations about what I’m going through. It’s too bad that I can barely bring myself to look at her.
My mother’s been on at me again this week:
I spend too much time on the computer
I need to go out more
I need a hobby/interests
I need to find a boyfriend
I need to find a new (full-time) job
I need to move out, and they’ll help me to get a place
I need to exercise
I don’t actually disagree with a lot of that, but I don’t think that I need to be told all that stuff like I’m a child. And I hate hearing the words, ‘It’s for your own good.’
‘You’re a nice girl, Penny,’ she said to me. Why can’t that be enough?
8:53 pm on 3-May-08
Dear God, our generation has been completely let down by all of that self-esteem education garbage. We were told our whole lives that being kind and empathetic and feeling good about ourselves and doing our best was good enough. Now we’re adults and we see how wrong all of that is; it takes hard work and commitment and we just aren’t ready for it. And this isn’t me being sarcastic, either, because it’s exactly where I am in my life right now. It’s depressing; I feel sometimes like my whole life has just been wasted doing nothing and waiting for things to work themselves out.
You already know how I feel about moving out; you need to not be around a negative influence so often. But for what it’s worth, Pen, you really are a really nice girl.
9:07 pm on 3-May-08
I think I’ve grown up watching too much telly. Life isn’t like the movies. And it definitely ain’t like Dawson’s Creek.
4:44 pm on 4-May-08
Life is hard sometimes and it seems pointless at times but just know that there are people who love you out here.
11:29 pm on 4-May-08
Thanks, Dr M.
9:09 am on 7-May-08
As mostly seems like original sin and have to carry by human always. Key to come out of it only depend on own self.